Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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