3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
