one two three fourrrrnication!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
