she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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