Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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