the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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