I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
