I smell stomach acid.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
