My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
