she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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