dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
