girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize