I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
