I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
