it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
