he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
