i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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