goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
