either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
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