you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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