Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
