My liver just broke up with me...
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If its not for food we ain't going out.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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