Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
