I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
