just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Randomize
