God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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