this beer tastes like vomit already
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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