I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
