Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I supernannyed him into submission
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
