Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
