Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
