the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
