I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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