Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
