theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
