he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
