so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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