I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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