I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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