And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize