I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
