sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
