she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
