I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
