all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
