Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
