She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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