don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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