i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
