He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
