omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
