i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just invented taco cereal.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
