last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
