Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
