I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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