it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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