You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
