Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
